OK, I'm actually somewhat ahead of the game here, I got this week's review done
before next week's episode airs. I kind of had to, either get it done now or wait until
after the holiday. I'm setting my VCR for this week's episode, rumor has it that
Battlebots is airing it at 7pm. Hopefully, CC won't start mucking with things.
So as I'm writing this, Howard Stern is on in the background. Howard is interviewing
Carmen Electra. This must have been recorded right after she married Dennis Rodman.
After Howard grilled her for the intimate details of her sex life with said basketball
player and generally icky person, he now has this reporter on the phone who says that
icky Dennis was already having some affair with some other sorry soul, and now they've
got Dennis on the phone and he's completely loaded and not denying that he's sleeping
with this other woman. Overall, I don't find this as interesting as the time I saw
Carmen on Howard Stern promoting her Playboy spread and discussing various vibrating toys
that she uses for personal pleasure, but I did learn that Carmen's real name is Cara
Patrick or somesuch.
SABotage vs. Zion
SABotage is a two-wheeled wedgebot with a face painted on the wedge/snout. There's a
ladder-like serrated lifter arm that forms the top/nose of the wedge/snout, that can
be used to lift an opponent or trap them between the bottom of the arm and the top of
the wedge/snout. If you can understand that description, you are indeed a better
person than me. Zion is a flat wedge that has two arms, one is a generic lifter arm,
and the other is a thin little clamp arm that comes out of the middle of the lifter arm and
is used to trap the opponent between the clamp and lifter arms. Zion has the word
"Zion" printed on his lexan top in really big black letters, so that you don't get it
mixed up with any of the other flat wedgebots with lifting arms. And can someone tell
me why it is suddenly important that we are bludgeoned with the knowledge that every
builder idolizes his father, loves his wife, thinks that his kids are the best thing
that ever happened to him, and attends church group every third Wednesday? Where are
all the single folk, fallen from their childhood religions, who live in sin with
their gnarly significant others and various domestic animals?
OK RFT. Bots leave squares and collide head-on, hard, in the center of the
box. Ouch. So now it appears that both robots are trying to get around the back of
each other, which leads to a VERY long period of positioning, bot tango, bot rhumba,
bot cha-cha, bot bossa nova, bot disco, bot hip-hop, and love taps. Zion lifts his
clamping arm while SABotage drives up the wedge and then right through the area between the
clamper and the lifting arm. Zion does not clamp. Clamp arm goes down. Now more bot waltzing, bot samba,
and bot ballet, and then a couple love hits, Zion plays with the lifting arm a bit,
and then SABotage drives up Zion's wedge onto the top of him, and then drives back off.
Clamp arm back up, and we've got more bot lambda, bot twist, and bot jitterbug.
Every now and then we get the excitement of SABotage banging into Zion's skirts. Makes
me long for the non-stop action of last week's Whyachi-On-Ludes/No Apologies fight.
Now it looks like Zion had the lifting arm up, kind of, and SABotage came in with the
serrated ladder lifting arm, and caught Zion's arm on his lifting arm, and now we've got
Zion hung up on SABotage. Briefly. Zion crashes to the floor. Now some brief bot virginia
reel and Zion driving around with the clamping arm up and SABotage driving on top of
Zion and Zion clamping with the arm, and SABotage totally clamped. Now Zion raises the
lifting arm and displays his prize just like Complete Control does. Zion drives
off somewhere still displaying his prey. Now Zion drives in the general direction of the
hammer. It looks like Zion wants to put SABotage under the hammer, but the execution of
this move is leaving a lot to be desired. First Zion catches SABotage on the screw, causing
SABotage to briefly surf the screw, but Zion keeps his grip. Now Zion maneuvers such
that SABotage takes a hit, but now we have SABotage out of the grip, and both bots just sitting
there by the hammer but not quite under it. Finally SABotage drives away while Zion
sits, and unless Zion puts some spring in his step, fast, I sense bad fortune in his
future. Zion sits. SABotage pushes him under the hammer. Pow. Zion backs off directly into
SABotage, who immediately pushes him back under the hammer. Pow. While Zion attempts
to put some space between himself and the hammer, SABotage impales himself on the screw,
which immediately begins to deliver a sizable beating to SABotage. SABotage eventually ends up
back on the floor and then drives over the top of Zion again. Now SABotage is trying really
hard to get clamped by Zion, and eventually Zion gives SABotage what he wants by clamping
the end of SABotage's snout. Now Zion is holding SABotage over the saws, but Pete has decided
to finally take that snorkelling trip to the Great Barrier Reef, because those saws just
ain't-a-poppin'. SABotage falls off Zion, and then somehow manages to get right back
into the same situation again. This time, Pete is back from vacation and hot on
that "Pop Saws" button, but Zion seems unable to deliver SABotage to the pre-popped saws.
Saws cut air while Zion lets SABotage go, and then we have brief bit hustle before time
runs out. Zion wins 23-22 and I'm left wondering exactly why CC chose to air this
Slap 'Em Silly vs. Wedge of Doom
OK, I'm pretty sure we've seen both these bots this season. Once again I've
become suddenly and painfully lazy and an unable to put in the references to
the previous fights. Two flat wedges. Slap 'Em Silly has a spike tail. Wedge of Doom has those
reverse mudflaps that stick up off the top of the bot.
OK RFT. Big bot collision in the center of the box and Slap 'Em Silly goes flying
over the top of Wedge of Doom. Wedge of Doom goes flying under Slap 'Em Silly. Wedge of Doom chases down Slap 'Em Silly and smushes
him into the screws. Oof. Slap 'Em Silly drives up on Wedge of Doom. Wedge of Doom stuffs Slap 'Em Silly back into the
spikes. Oof. Wedge of Doom lifts Slap 'Em Silly and then splats him down. Slap 'Em Silly tries unsuccessfully
to push Wedge of Doom to the saws. Wedge of Doom sucessfully gets back under Slap 'Em Silly and rushes him back to the
spikes. Wedge of Doom clanks into the non-spinning spinners, sending him flying backwards.
Slap 'Em Silly flies forwards into the spikes. Oof. Now we've got Slap 'Em Silly trying to get under
Wedge of Doom, unsuccessfully. Wedge of Doom successfully gets under Slap 'Em Silly and drives around a bit with Slap 'Em Silly
all piggybacked, but doesn't stop at any hazards. Wedge of Doom sucessfully gets under Slap 'Em Silly
and drives him into the spikes. Oof. Wedge of Doom lifts Slap 'Em Silly. Twice. Wedge of Doom clamps Slap 'Em Silly between
the lifting arm and the wedge. Wedge of Doom delivers Slap 'Em Silly to the hammer. Four hammer hits later,
Slap 'Em Silly is looking mighty concave. The spike is looking like an elf shoe, all curved
at the pointy end. Wedge of Doom starts pushing Slap 'Em Silly again, but takes a detour at the ramrods.
Pop. Wedge of Doom gets under Slap 'Em Silly and delivers him to the spikes. Oof. While Wedge of Doom continues
rudely introducing Slap 'Em Silly to the spikes, we get a shot of Tony B., standing RIGHT THERE,
all hunched over, hovering over the robots in the box, extraordinarily intent on
the action therein. More pushing. More Slap 'Em Silly in the spikes. Just to mix things up,
both bots take a saw hit. Slap 'Em Silly runs away from Wedge of Doom until time runs out. End of the
line for poor Andy, who appears near tears after the match. Then again, if I was
forced to talk with Arj, I might cry as well. Cutie Wedge of Doom moves on 39-6.
Fights we're not going to get to see
Many times this season, I have wondered aloud, "if these are the fights that are
being broadcast, then what exactly are the fights that we're not seeing?"
Well, CC is answering those questions for us with results of quarterfinal matches
not to be aired
Dr. Inferno Jr. vs. Death By Monkeys: I'm not a particularly huge
fan of Death by Monkeys, so I guess I'm not disappointed by the results of
this fight, but then again I minimally cared in the first place.
Gamma Raptor vs. Hexy Jr.: Yay! A real, honest to goodness Raptor
bot! Gamma Raptor is the #3 ranked LW. Not that we'd know that, we haven't
seen this bot since Season 3. Gamma Raptor looks cool. Gamma Raptor is
cool. Along with brother Carnage (Raptor), my fav lightweights.
So we have all footage of Hexy Jr. kicking Gamma Raptor's ass, but somehow
Gamma Raptor wins. Hmmm. I would have liked to see this fight. At least
it appears we'll see Gamma Raptor sometime this season. I'd also
like to know what happened to Carnage (Raptor), whom we have heard neither hide
nor hair of this season.
Herr Gepounden vs. Code:Black: Code:Black is the bot most famous
for taking out Ziggo with that spinning blade. In this footage, we have Herr Gepounden
pounding Code:Black with the thwacker, Code:Black taking a massive saw hit, and Code:Black's spinning
blade totally not spinning. Winner? Code:Black. Yup. Uh-huh. I guess so. Whatever.
S.O.B. vs. Wrath Jr.: Footage of sob manhandling Wrath Jr. S.O.B. wins.
OK, this makes sense. S.O.B. seems to be the newcomer bot darling of Season 5.
Voltronic vs. Omega-13: Voltronic! Voltronic! Alright. Voltronic
just cannot lose to Omega-13. Just can't. And he doesn't. There's not
nearly enough Stephen Felk footage. Well, at least we'll see him in the semi-finals.
New Cruelty vs. No Apologies: Ah, I wondered when we were going to see New
Cruelty. We see New Cruelty. New Cruelty disposes of No Apologies. I wonder what
Diesector is going to do with New Cruelty this year.