Pre-fight ranting:
- Here it is, the penultimate Battlebot episode review. I'm going to miss Battlebots.
Yeah, I know that there's local stuff going on, but I'm going to miss the massive battlebox
complete with hazards, SHW division, spinners and all the other stuff that actually
costs large money. One can only hope for another TV contract. Everytime I see the
atrocious Full Metal Challenge with the car-sized bowling, and car-sized pinball, and
car-sized sumo wrestling, and car-sized whatever I just keep thinking that a battlebox
has got to be cheaper, and more entertaining, than this. Although I suspect that
Henry Rollins came real cheap.
- Speaking of local competition, I'm still waiting for something to brew up here in
New England. Pittsburgh, while better than California, is just outside the daytrip
range.
- I was just thinking about who they could get to make Battlebots entertaining for cheap
if TV was going to be in the cards. And for some reason I thought of Mr. DaDooRonRon
himself, Shaun Cassidy. Does anyone here remember American Gothic? We had all heard
that Shaun Cassidy was going to be producing this new show and were dying to see how
terrible it was going to be and it turned out to be this magnificently deranged
hour of TV that kept us glued to the box for extra time every week. Of course,
brilliance such as this is always doomed to early cancellation because the lowest
common denominator with the Nielsen boxes just don't get it, but while it was there
it was the best show on TV. I've heard that Sci-Fi channel was showing reruns for
a while, and if they decide to start up again, I highly recommend it.
Wedge of Doom vs. Code:Black
The first step in finishing off the lightweights for this season is Wedge of Doom against
Code:Black. We've seen Wedge of Doom recently but I think the last time we saw Code:Black was in
episode 1 so a recap might be a good idea. For those that may have forgotten,
Code:Black is sort of the "inverted Hazard", the box with the spinning blade on the
bottom, most notable for having taken out Ziggo five months ago.
OK RFT. We have Wedge of Doom screaming out of the red square and smashing into Code:Black
twice in the blue square before Code:Black realizes that the fight has started. Once Code:Black
has awoken from his stupor we have him desperately trying to drive away from Wedge of Doom and spin
his blade, but Wedge of Doom is being really mean to him, and gets under him with the wedge and
delivers him to the hammer. Pow! Pow! Pow! Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Code:Black dribbles away
while Wedge of Doom looks around and assesses the situation. From my comfy chair, I assess that
Code:Black no longer has a working weapon. Looks like it's just a matter of time now.
We've got Wedge of Doom taking Code:Black to the spikes. To the hammer. To the screw. To the saws.
Maybe Wedge of Doom will take Code:Black to dinner sometime. Wouldn't that be nice. Code:Black takes the initiative
to make his own dinner date with the spikes. Wedge of Doom thinks this is a fine idea and makes
sure that it's a full 10 course meal. Wedge of Doom then chauffeurs Code:Black to dessert and apertif
with the screws. Wedge of Doom finishes off the night by bringing Code:Black to a luxury hotel,
where he will be sharing a suite with the pulverizer. Game Over for the noticably
concave Code:Black.
Gamma Raptor vs. Dr. Inferno Jr.
FINALLY! I get to see a real, honest-to-goodness Raptor bot. This is Gamma Raptor,
which means that somewhere along the line, my other fav Raptor bot, Carnage
(formerly Carnage Raptor) got taken out. Pitifully, I actually have to describe
Gamma Raptor, because we haven't seen this robot yet. Gamma Raptor is a small box that goes real fast,
painted bright green and yellow for this year. There's a lifting arm with a
talon on the end that looks not unlike a Centauri warship. Gamma Raptor is just an all-around nifty bot. Dr. Inferno Jr.
was described in some previous fight in some previous episode, but other than
Ziggo getting beat in episode 1, I can't remember what bot fought in what episode
anymore.
OK, RFT. We've immediately got some bumping, and initially we've got Gamma Raptor with
the advantage, getting the talon arm under Dr. Inferno Jr.'s skirts and pushing him around a bit.
Then, the tide turns, and Dr. Inferno Jr. gets in an excellent spike stuff on Gamma Raptor. To make a bad
situation worse, Gamma Raptor backs away from the spikes directly into the path of the hammer.
Pow! Urgh. OK. Gamma Raptor throws it into mega-reverse and bashes into Dr. Inferno Jr., which leads into
a period of wrestling over the ramrods. I guess Pete feels that the entertainment
value of the two robots alone is sufficient to captivate the audience without having
the ramrods actually present. I personally think that the ramrods would make things
more interesting, but I'm just here warming my chair and not designing battle arenas,
so I haven't earned the privilege to destroy thousands of dollars of robot with a
single press of a button. Now we've got Gamma Raptor scooting around the box at a fast clip,
and some more bumping, and now this is interesting. Dr. Inferno Jr. has gotten under the
backside of Gamma Raptor, and has lifted up the back of Gamma Raptor such that Gamma Raptor is now almost vertical,
resting on the tips of the points of these small pieces of metal that stick out
from the frontside of the green and yellow box. And now Dr. Inferno Jr. is pushing Gamma Raptor such
that Gamma Raptor is travelling only on these metal tips and pushes Gamma Raptor all the way across the
box like this and finally stuffs Gamma Raptor into the spikes. That looked really cool, but then
again the Raptor bots always are interesting to look at. So after recovering
from the spikes, we have Gamma Raptor trying to push Dr. Inferno Jr. around, and unfortunately, Gamma Raptor takes
a path directly over the saws, and the saws pop, and Gamma Raptor goes flying inverted,
but quickly manages to self-right. Not that having an inverted Raptor bot is life
ending. They do lose some points but it's certainly fun to look at them in that
position. Now an extended period of driving real fast, and bumping, and Gamma Raptor doing
a self-stuff into the spikes, and Gamma Raptor stuffing Dr. Inferno Jr. into the spikes. Now we've got
Gamma Raptor pushing Dr. Inferno Jr. again, and taking a gigantic running start and we've got a Dr. Inferno Jr.
STUFF, with a capital S-T-U-F-F. That had to have rung Dr. Inferno Jr.'s bell, at least a little
bit. Now we've got Gamma Raptor setting up Dr. Inferno Jr. for another major clocking, and Oomph! Dr. Inferno Jr.
meets the spikes at a high rate of speed, and tips backwards, and in the process
of tipping backwards takes Gamma Raptor with him, and when the smoke clears, we've got Dr. Inferno Jr.
on his feet and Gamma Raptor inverted, and I immediately sense that this fight has all of a
sudden become a lot less fun because Gamma Raptor appears not only inverted but hung up on the
spike strip. And here comes Dr. Inferno Jr. to make sure that Gamma Raptor stays that way, but I think it's
a moot point because it certainly didn't seem to me that Gamma Raptor was going anywhere fast.
Dr. Inferno Jr. finally leaves Gamma Raptor alone and as I suspected, curtains for Gamma Raptor. Time runs out,
but I guess Gamma Raptor got counted out before we reached 0:00 because it's a knockout for
Dr. Inferno Jr.. Grrr. Not enough Raptor bots this season. Really. Just show them! I'd even
settle for seeing Carnage Raptor lose! Or even seeing the Pack Raptors be
ineffective.
Whatever. Let's have a moment of silence for Gamma Raptor. Oh we hardly knew
ye, this season....or last season for that matter.
***
Wedge of Doom vs. Dr. Inferno Jr.
So as I look back I see that I forgot to mention that those last two fights were
semi-finals. I guess without the big SEMIFINAL banners taking up half my TV
screen, I forget about these things. Time for the finals. Wedge of Doom vs. Dr. Inferno Jr. Let's go.
OK RFT. Bots come out of squares and look bit, then bump a bit, then drive a bit.
Now Dr. Inferno Jr. pushes Wedge of Doom a bit, then the bots separate and then crash head on. Now we have
Wedge of Doom pushing Dr. Inferno Jr. alot, at least until he gets hung up on a floor seam and bounces
backwards while Dr. Inferno Jr. drives away. Now Wedge of Doom tracks down Dr. Inferno Jr. and runs right into and under
him. Repeat. Repeat again. And again. And a fifth time, except this time have Wedge of Doom move
towards the saws and dump Dr. Inferno Jr. on top of them. Zzzzz. Wedge of Doom bumps Dr. Inferno Jr. a bunch and then
gets under him, and now we have a pushing match and Dr. Inferno Jr. pushes Wedge of Doom over the saws and Wedge of Doom
slides away and Dr. Inferno Jr. goes over the saws, and then Pete pops the saws and Dr. Inferno Jr. ends up
taking the saw hit. Now we've got Wedge of Doom all over Dr. Inferno Jr., annoying him with bumps. Now we
have Wedge of Doom under Dr. Inferno Jr. and pushing him to the saws, and Pete perfectly times the saw pop
to catch both robots a they pass over. Zzzzz. Zzzzz. Now Dr. Inferno Jr. gets in his first
offensive bump, but then we're back to the Wedge of Doom show with annoying bumps and then we
get Wedge of Doom under Dr. Inferno Jr. and taking a long running start, and delivering a combo spike stuff/wall smash to Dr. Inferno Jr.. Ooof. Now we're back to Wedge of Doom bumping Dr. Inferno Jr. and under him, and pushing
him, and then I think that we may have had the second offensive Dr. Inferno Jr. bump, and now we've
got some more annoyance bumps by Wedge of Doom. Wedge of Doom gets under Dr. Inferno Jr. and almost tips him over,
but Dr. Inferno Jr. scoots away and onto a new adventure, first by getting hung up on the non-spinning
spinner, and then almost driving himself under the hammer. Pow! Dr. Inferno Jr. escapes pulverization
by several millimeters. Now we're back to love bumps by Wedge of Doom and another pushing match,
and Dr. Inferno Jr. pushes Wedge of Doom to the hammer. Wedge of Doom goes under the hammer handle, and then it looks
like both bots share in the same hammer hit. Now Wedge of Doom is bumping Dr. Inferno Jr. again, and we're
still near the hammer so we've got both bots trying to get each other onto the
Area Once Painted With Yellow Dot. We end up with Dr. Inferno Jr. driving himself perfectly
into position for a massive hammer hit. Pow! Squarely on top of Dr. Inferno Jr.. OK. Now we've
got Wedge of Doom under Dr. Inferno Jr. and with the lifting arm trying to tip him over. We get the clock
on the screen to count down the last 20 seconds about the same time that a lot of
smoke starts to emanate from Wedge of Doom. Looks like there could be something damaged in
there somewhere. Oooh. That's a lot of smoke. A real lot of smoke. A copious
amount of smoke. Pink smoke. Oh this is not good, but it doesn't look like
Wedge of Doom is faltering in any fashion. We've still got him bumping, and lifting Dr. Inferno Jr. with
the lifting arm. And getting under Dr. Inferno Jr. and pushing him. Now Wedge of Doom is backing off and
we're driving again, and aha! I see the problem. It looks like the motors powering
the front and middle wheels on the left side of Wedge of Doom are completely cooked, but I'm
having difficulty figuring out what Dr. Inferno Jr. could have done to Wedge of Doom to cause such
a thing to happen. Maybe it was cumulative over the pushing matches or somesuch,
but I'm digressing from the fight. Wedge of Doom is left able to only to move in circles, but
it's a moot point because time is up.
So I'm feeling pretty confident that Tony is still going to get his nut, and yeah,
Wedge of Doom was smoking at the end, but it says right in the judges rules that you are
not supposed to be unduly affected by what happens at the end of the match, and
from this comfy chair, the first 2:40 of this fight was solid Wedge of Doom. Here's the
judges scores, a 23-22 split decision (how'd it get that close?), for DR. INFERNO
JR.???!!!!! Huh? Ummm....OK I can only think of two possible explanations for
this. Either the judges were watching a different fight than I was, or while
we were all distracted watching the fight, some of the judges were secretly abducted by
pod people from the planet Zxxyrgzy, and it just so happens that Dr. Inferno Jr. is
a double for Gortran, the sun god of planet Zxxyrgzy, and thus the pods felt compelled
to vote for Dr. Inferno Jr.. Yeah. That's the ticket. So now we've got total maroon Tony Rock interviewing
Tony B. and Tony B. says he doesn't have a problem with the judges' decision, but I do, and
it's a good thing that we've got Diesector action coming up right after this else
I'd be grumpy for a whole week.
