Please no more builders getting rub downs from the pit girls.
Now this is really annoying. I politely asked for no more Carmen Catholic
School Girl. It appears my minimal demand has been met with a weekly feature.
Aaaaaaaaaaarrrgh. Or should that be eeeeewwwwww....really, the sight of Carmen
wiggling in the skirt is just, well, yucky. Now if they had gotten Naomi Watts to
do it that would have been a different story, and wasn't there a time, long ago, in
a galaxy far, far, away that Battlebots was being promoted as a healthy outlet
for children's creativity?
The Nightmare/Warhead fight contains some strong language. Those were the only
words I was capable of forming to yell at the screen when the fight was occuring.
When I wrote the review a half hour later, I had still not regained full use of my
Battlebots needs the grinder girl.
Wireless Wonder vs. Wedge of Doom
Yippee! I like Wedge of Doom. Wedge of Doom is very similar to what he was last year,
a very flat box with little wheels, and a wedge and lifting arm. This year he's
added two vertical pieces of silver armor on the front, maybe to push an opponent once it's
up on top of the wedge. The whole effect reminds me of a little solar collector
on wheels. Wireless Wonder is a silver box with 4 big exposed wheels and some sort of metal pieces attached to the front as quasi-jaws.
OK RFT. WHOAH! Wireless Wonder screams out of the red square fast enough to break the sound
barrier, and crashes directly into the solar panels on the front of Wedge of Doom. This sends
Wireless Wonder flying across the battlebox, directly into the spikes. That seems to have rung
Wireless Wonder's bell a bit as he's now driving somewhat at random. While Wireless Wonder is getting his bearings,
Wedge of Doom puts a big hit on him with the wedge/panels. Wireless Wonder responds by driving back into the
spikes. Wireless Wonder spins in confusion while Wedge of Doom comes back with another hit. The hit
sends Wireless Wonder over the saws, which pop up and and invert him. Wireless Wonder runs inverted, so no
big deal. Wedge of Doom comes in with two or three hits on Wireless Wonder, one of which sends Wireless Wonder flying end
over end across the battlebox. Wireless Wonder responds by driving into the screw. Now we've got an
extended period of Wireless Wonder running away from Wedge of Doom and then Wireless Wonder does an about face and crashes
head on into Wedge of Doom. This throws Wireless Wonder onto the saws, which pop up. Zzzzzz. Wireless Wonder responds
by driving into the screw. It looks like Wireless Wonder might be permanently addled. Wireless Wonder responds
to his head injury by driving into the spikes, then the screw, then the spikes again.
Now we've got Wedge of Doom with three more hits on Wireless Wonder, with the last hit sending Wireless Wonder underneath
the hammer. Pow! Ooh, that hadda hurt. OK, we now finish off the fight with
Wedge of Doom on the warpath and Wireless Wonder on the retreat. Wedge of Doom puts a bunch of hits on Wireless Wonder, usually
sending him flying. Wireless Wonder usually responds by driving into the nearest box hazard. 29-16
decision for Wedge of Doom. I want to know where Wireless Wonder got 16 points.
Twin Paradox vs. S.O.B.
Twin Paradox is an octagonal blue box, with a circular spinning disk attached to the
bottom of the front of the box, and a big slab of metal attached to the back, like a
bumper. S.O.B. is a dust pan on wheels, with a circular saw blade arm that comes down on
top of opponents once they've been scooped up.
OK RFT. S.O.B. comes out of her square and immediately makes this big loop
around the box, coming up behind Twin Paradox to scoop her up from the back, thus avoiding the
spinning disk. Very good idea. S.O.B. almost scoops Twin Paradox, then makes a big circle to
come around from the back and try again. The second time's the charm, as Twin Paradox is scooped
and then stuffed into the spikes. Oof. Twin Paradox is still trapped in the dustpan by the
spikes and here comes the saw arm down on top of Twin Paradox. Copious sparks spewn. This
goes on for a while, and while the pyrotechnics rate up there with the fireworks
barge they put in the Charles River every year, I'm really not seeing measurable
damage at all on Twin Paradox. Eventually S.O.B. has to let Twin Paradox go, but then scoops her right back
up and we go through this all again. Now we get an excruciating closeup of the area
where saw meets armor, and look at that. S.O.B. has managed to mill away a couple
millimeters of Twin Paradox's armor. Twin Paradox wriggles free of the pan, and as this happens I realize
that Twin Paradox was caught up in the pan disk side in. Yup. That's some effective spinning
weapon you've got there, Twin Paradox. Wait it's not spinning. Well I guess that could
account for some of the loss of effectiveness. Otay. Twin Paradox takes a hit from the saws. Zzzzzz.
I guess that wasn't the smartest place to drive. It looks like maybe Twin Paradox feels loved
or something when surrounded by a dustpan because we've got her driving right back
into the waiting arms of S.O.B.. S.O.B. ferries Twin Paradox around the box a bit. It looks like
S.O.B. is going after Twin Paradox's wheel with the saw. Overall it's a good idea, but S.O.B.
seems to not be able to follow through. Oooh. This is interesting. S.O.B. has started
to smoke. It looks unrelated to the extended killsaw hit she just took. Hoo boy.
Looks like the saw hit took out half of S.O.B.'s drive train, so we've got her driving
in circles. Looks like something took out half of Twin Paradox's drive train, so we've got her
driving in circles. It's a good thing that S.O.B. is now blanketed in smoke to prevent
this whole thing from being completely dull. Oh good. Twin Paradox seems to have learned
how to drive straight again and puts a hit on S.O.B., who is quickly transmogrifying
into a smokestack. Oh bad. Twin Paradox has stopped being able to do things to S.O.B.. Can't push with the metal
slab, can't inflict damage with that wussy spinning disk, and to top it off and make
this all wretchedly miserable, Twin Paradox has gone back to spinning in place. Buzzer sounds
as I finally make out the smoke signals from S.O.B.. I think they say, 'Captain, you
better come and see this'. S.O.B. wins the 29-16 decision.
Codebreaker vs. Techno Destructo
Codebreaker is a black and green box with huge wheel guards and a big drum on the
front. It's also a "local" bot, since Team Diginati is based right in Dracut.
Techno Destructo is still the same black and green snail-shaped bot with a lifting
arm and big exposed wheels that it was last year. The more I say it, the more I have
to admit that Techno Destructo is a nifty name. Not only that, but I've actually
become somewhat fond of this bot...
OK RFT. Both bots leave their respective squares and engage in a spectacularly
weak hit in the center of the box. Geez Louise. Now we've got Codebreaker parked directly
on top Techno Destructo's lifting arm while Techno Destructo wonders whether he unplugged the iron this morning.
OK now we've got Techno Destructo turning around as if to look at something, which allows Codebreaker to
finally drive away after catching 4384 winks on the arm. Now Techno Destructo is
turning back and forth in half circles giving Codebreaker a siderub. Codebreaker backs off a bit,
allowing Techno Destructo to put a mighty lift on the battlebox air. Now we've got Codebreaker with the
drum on the side of Techno Destructo, pushing Techno Destructo at will wherever Codebreaker wants him to go. Codebreaker finally
gets Techno Destructo rear-end first into the spikes and holds him there for a while, leaving
the drum directly over the lifting arm for a staggering amount of time. Techno Destructo wonders
whether he shut off the coffee maker this morning, then pushes forward with all his might
and extricates himself from the spikes. Techno Destructo spins around trying to get the lifting
arm under the side of Codebreaker and he almost does it. Unfortunately, almost only counts in
horseshoes and nuclear war, and the subsequent lift moves more air than opponent.
Now we've got Codebreaker seriously annoying Techno Destructo with the drum. The drum doesn't look
very effective as a destructive weapon (Techno Destructo's wheels would be in Toledo right now
if it was) but it certainly is working well as a bulldozer as Codebreaker manhandles Techno Destructo
all around the box. Techno Destructo finally manages to get the lifting arm positioned, and sends
Codebreaker somersaulting about 3 feet into the air. Smash! Ooof. That hadda hurt. Codebreaker drives
under the hammer. Pow! Ooof. That hadda hurt. Now Techno Destructo gets the arm positioned again,
and we've got Codebreaker flying end over end again. Kapow! Ooof. That hadda hurt. Now
we've got Codebreaker running all inverted and driving over the saws. Zzzzzzz. Sparks.
Ooof. Codebreaker is certainly a glutton for punishment. Codebreaker gets off the saws, and we've
immediately got Techno Destructo trying with the arm again under the side of Codebreaker. Codebreaker runs away,
and then turns around and parks the drum on the lifting arm again. It appears
that Techno Destructo has stopped worrying about his appliances as he activates the lifting arm
and Codebreaker goes up, and ever slowly past vertical, and WHAM!, crashes down right side up.
You know, it wouldn't suprise me if Codebreaker intentionally subjected herself to that last
bit of punishment. Techno Destructo lifts the battlebox air a couple times just because
he can (and also because he suddenly seems a half second out of sync with Codebreaker,
who just had her drum on the arm again). Now we've got Codebreaker all with the drum again
annoying Techno Destructo's wheel. One of the drum hits pops Techno Destructo into the air a little, allowing
Codebreaker to weasel underneath him. Codebreaker pushes Techno Destructo and gets Techno Destructo pretty much completely
on top of her and trapped against the screw. Codebreaker wiggles around and Techno Destructo falls off,
but now Techno Destructo is trapped between Codebreaker and the hammer. Pow! Pow! Pow! This has got to be
hurting Techno Destructo. Techno Destructo finally backs out from the hammer, directly into the waiting drum of
Codebreaker who immediately
smushes him into the screw. Techno Destructo tips forward, allowing Codebreaker to get underneath him again.
Techno Destructo gets completely piggybacked on Codebreaker, who then makes a beeline for the hammer. (One
of these days they should get Killer B to do commentary and explain why it is
generally a bad idea to deliver your opponent to the hammer while you're still
underneath him.) So we have the hammer pounding the crap out of Techno Destructo as Codebreaker wiggles
around trying to get out from under him, and we get a really good view of Techno Destructo's wheels
hanging off the sides of Codebreaker, which would explain why Codebreaker is having such a hard time
shedding her load. I'd say at this point that Techno Destructo is completely at the mercy of Codebreaker.
Eventually Codebreaker succeeds in dumping Techno Destructo onto the saws. Plop. Oh boy. Techno Destructo is looking
miserable. Zzzzzzz. Sparks. Techno Destructo rolls slowly off the saws. Looks like that
last saw hit was a moot point because Techno Destructo, once so promising, is now an
expired assemblage of parts sitting forlornly in the
middle of the battlebox. Oh but the humiliation is not yet over. Here comes Codebreaker again,
pushing the Techno Destructo back onto the saws just because she can. Pete continually pops the
saws, causing an extended torrent of sparks to issue from the wretched corpse
that was once a proud and honorable robot called Techno Destructo and can somebody please start the
count out and put an end to this debacle? Finally, finally, we've got the count out,
and Techno Destructo is offically declared dead with one second remaining in regulation time.
You know, out of all the bot builders that we see, no one registers disappointment
quite like Sean Irvin. We see him placing his joystick on a nearby table, completely
crushed by the passing of his beloved Techno Destructo. You just gotta feel for him. Seriously.
Nightmare vs. Warhead
Woo-hoo! We've got perennial favorite Nightmare vs. upstart Warhead. Nightmare is
basically a whomper circular, toothed, vertical spinning disc on wheels. Warhead is still the
flying shrimp with the spinning bowl for a head that we saw in Episode 1. I suspect
that Warhead will still take flight, which should make this fight super
interesting since Nightmare is not exactly the pillar of stability. I was wondering
in Episode 1 what would happen when Warhead met an established bot of quality, well we'll see now!
OK RFT. We've got Warhead with the pre-fight mating ritual in the blue
square again and then the buzzer sounds. We've got the bots checking each other out,
and Nightmare popping a half-wheelie as she pivots in a tight circle.
Oooh, the suspense is too much as the spinning disk approaches the spinning bowl and
.....Holy sh1t!!! A piece of metal flies and Nightmare immediately pulls a mauler
and starts bouncing around the battlebox!! Warhead puts a hit on Nightmare's wheel,
and there goes Nightmare up, up, but not quite over. Boing, boing, boing! Nightmare's
oscillations dampen as her spinning disk slowly approaches a stop. Warhead stops the
disk completely with another hit and F#ck! There's some belt on Nightmare that is
completely hosed and flapping in the wind, but even worse, one of the teeth on the
now no-way-in-hell-is-this-ever-going-to-spin-again-this-season vertical disk has been completely
removed, along with a chunk of the disk! That must have been the piece of metal that we saw fly, and
what is up with that spinning bowl?!! Nightmare is looking sad in the middle of the
box, trying to figure out a way to get out of this with some shred of dignity, when
Warhead puts another hit on her with the bowl and HOLY F#CKING SH1T!!!!!!!!!!! We've got the
wheel off of Nightmare but this time broken up into about twice the amount of parts
as Son of Whyachi managed and what the F#CK is up with that bowl!!??
Current score: Warhead's bowl weapon 3, Nightmare, Darkstar-2J, and the saw cover combined, 0.
Team Razer starts pile driving on the battlebox wall and howling like baboons while I
go get the paint scraper to get my jaw up off the floor and it goes without saying that
this is Game Totally F#cking Over for poor Nightmare. I fear for my beloved Tazbot
having to meet this beast, maybe the Matador will flip Warhead on her bowl head before that
has a chance to happen.